These Words are Only for Her

All Desperate Plans have Dropped

2007-02-06T08:04:00.000-08:00

...and i'm left with an empty hand.

You are The Tower

Ambition, fighting, war, courage. Destruction, danger, fall, ruin.

The Tower represents war, destruction, but also spiritual renewal. Plans are disrupted. Your views and ideas will change as a result.

The Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth. The Tower stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." You have been shaken up; blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Soon i'll breathe new air,
but not without these tired lungs...

January 2007: not a good memory part 2

2007-02-06T00:15:00.000-08:00

excerpts from my friendster blog

an argument

"...the journey is more important than the end or the start." -linkin park

i'm not sure about what i'll be doing in the end, but i know i want to do something. i want to do a che, travel around, see the sights and meet people. i will go with little money. i want to hit rock bottom financially, physically, mentally, emotionally. i will learn to value work because my life depends on it. i will be hungry to learn because i have emptied my mind. only then will i be able to see what i can see. like the bear who went over the mountain. and i will climb a mountain like jumong and become stronger. someday i'll be strong enough to fight for my beliefs. and win.

dear ate amor,

please tell me why why why. i miss you so. i'm falling apart. there's nothing more i can do. god is in full force against me even now that i have given up on you and my ambition. i'm just making more and more to do lists, spending more and more money, wasting more and more time. i am only a waste of money, space and time.

i want out of my life as much as you wanted me out of yours. but that's something beyond my control. please help me. i wish you were here even if you won't help, even if you can't help. i want to be with you because you're the only one who can understand me. talk to me, please.

buttahscotch

"this is coming of age? facing that we're not like the dreams we have of ourselves, unsure of our choices in life, unable to ever be perfect... even our heroes are lost and our ideas of adulthood are a fraudulent myth we've unconsciously inherited... why not just stay in a world of infantile fantasy, maybe forever even?" - res magazine

*thumbsuck*

January 2007: not a good memory part 1

2007-02-05T23:59:00.000-08:00

excerpts from my friendster blog

back to the time when there was a future

i'm going back to my musical roots, trying to figure out why i am here at this point. since 2004 music was my obsession, along with the idea of love. i don't know which is my real love, or if i would ever have a real love. recently the new music fails to correspond to my emotions and i feel disconnected. my newly bought steriogram cd sounds nothing like the old linkin park my brother and i listened to. and yet, listening to linkin park didn't help me see myself either.

the main things bothering me now are war and religion. history is chock full of those two things. life is chock full of the horrible effects. so why do people keep on doing this to themselves? if war breaks out, it's our fault too because we didn't do anything to stop it. make religion an excuse for war and you have an all out suicide bomber vs atomic bomb battle.

im afraid for my best friend who wants to fight real bad. he's got the brain power of a gundam pilot and the emotional trouble of an eva pilot. his issues put mine to shame. unfortunately he's my issue now so i'm troubled anyway. i care about him too much eh? he's my friend! it's a matter of life or death, of course i care! why, if i saw a stranger drowning i'd jump in to save him. for a friend i'd do much more than that...

in the name of...

[imagine...]

you're stuck in a bizarre love triangle. now who would you choose, the person who loves you so much that he's stuttering (maybe even crying, vomiting, bleeding... but it's not always so gross) all over the place... or the cool one who says all the right words, but doesn't really mean them (not necessarily a liar, but not much of a lover)?

[larger than me...]

which do you prefer, the reality of chaos or the illusion of beauty?

"i read because i don't want to experience." - angelo

"i hate beauty because it dries up hearts and pours out inhuman poison for us to drink: oblivion." - li-te

how many golden temples have been burned? how many one-sided lovers have wanted to end their miserable lives (at least subconsciously)? how many people have commited suicide? and how many have resorted to taking drugs? there are so many! and yet, most people would sooner rebuild the burned-out building than the burned-out people.

you call the arsonist a criminal. but who's to blame for him but you?

[...larger than life.]

did i stutter? it's because i'm overwhelmed with my feelings for you... dwelling on words like "depression" and "syndrome," you've missed the point. you chose to hold on to the people (and their beliefs) that hurt you and let go of me. you're keeping your invisible handcuffs. and i'm burning in my own fire.

Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you?