January 2007: not a good memory part 1

excerpts from my friendster blog

back to the time when there was a future

i'm going back to my musical roots, trying to figure out why i am here at this point. since 2004 music was my obsession, along with the idea of love. i don't know which is my real love, or if i would ever have a real love. recently the new music fails to correspond to my emotions and i feel disconnected. my newly bought steriogram cd sounds nothing like the old linkin park my brother and i listened to. and yet, listening to linkin park didn't help me see myself either.

the main things bothering me now are war and religion. history is chock full of those two things. life is chock full of the horrible effects. so why do people keep on doing this to themselves? if war breaks out, it's our fault too because we didn't do anything to stop it. make religion an excuse for war and you have an all out suicide bomber vs atomic bomb battle.

im afraid for my best friend who wants to fight real bad. he's got the brain power of a gundam pilot and the emotional trouble of an eva pilot. his issues put mine to shame. unfortunately he's my issue now so i'm troubled anyway. i care about him too much eh? he's my friend! it's a matter of life or death, of course i care! why, if i saw a stranger drowning i'd jump in to save him. for a friend i'd do much more than that...


in the name of...

[imagine...]

you're stuck in a bizarre love triangle. now who would you choose, the person who loves you so much that he's stuttering (maybe even crying, vomiting, bleeding... but it's not always so gross) all over the place... or the cool one who says all the right words, but doesn't really mean them (not necessarily a liar, but not much of a lover)?


[larger than me...]

which do you prefer, the reality of chaos or the illusion of beauty?

"i read because i don't want to experience." - angelo

"i hate beauty because it dries up hearts and pours out inhuman poison for us to drink: oblivion." - li-te

how many golden temples have been burned? how many one-sided lovers have wanted to end their miserable lives (at least subconsciously)? how many people have commited suicide? and how many have resorted to taking drugs? there are so many! and yet, most people would sooner rebuild the burned-out building than the burned-out people.

you call the arsonist a criminal. but who's to blame for him but you?


[...larger than life.]

did i stutter? it's because i'm overwhelmed with my feelings for you... dwelling on words like "depression" and "syndrome," you've missed the point. you chose to hold on to the people (and their beliefs) that hurt you and let go of me. you're keeping your invisible handcuffs. and i'm burning in my own fire.

Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you?